This was very helpful and interesting to me, as over the weekend I had begun to feel lightened in mood and found that I was more free to think of what might lie ahead for me.
Maybe this is the time to post something about my grieving. I am sure that I will continue to miss Uma and discover moments of sadness regarding her long struggle with cancer. However, you may be heartened to discover that I do feel freed up from grieving.
In truth, I began to grieve for Uma some three years back, two days after she told me of her diagnosis of cancer. It was fierce grief that struck me unexpectedly many times over that weekend. This was quite shocking to me as I regard myself as having a sanguine disposition. The saying goes that 'ignorance is bliss'. However, those of you who know me well will understand that I am prone to set to researching whatever serious thing that turns up in my life. So here it was, a diagnosis of Stage III C Breast Cancer, and triple negative, basal type (TNBC) at that!
This was news of the most sobering sort. I discovered that this was ill fortune of the worst sort. If caught very early in Stage I, TNBC is quite responsive to therapy. However, it is a most aggressive cancer and quickly progresses. At later Stage III, it has already infested the lymph system and there is every likelihood that there are freely circulating cancerous cells, having separated from the original tumor. Uma chose to have surgery, radiation and then chemo-therapy. I will not go into the detail of this except to say that it was not successful in preventing cancer taking possession of various skeletal sites.
Eighty percent of progressed beast tumors can treated with some success. However, ninety percent of deaths from cancer occur once metastases begin. It is even worse with TNBC, for which there are no 'targeted' therapies. Death within a year is certain in all but a few cases.
So there I was, a 'fix it if yon can' sort of fellow, knowing that Uma's 'cancer journey' could have only one outcome and the most I could do was to love, care for, and support her. Partly, I grieved that this was all that I could do. Mostly I grieved for the life that was being taken away from her. She was much better at this than I and, toward the end, seemed more concerned for me than about her approaching death.
Cancer is a fierce and relentless foe. I am not sure that the treatment is not worse. As I said in my previous post, there comes a time when hope dissolves and one wishes for the end.
Mostly I have simply missed Uma. For the first few days that I was away in Colorado, I found myself wanting to call her to tell her what I was about. In truth I do not think that I could bear to hear her voice on the answering service.
To manage my grieving, I have been writing 'letters to Uma'. I wrote one last one since talking with Ravi. I notice that I am now organizing myself to move on. So, those of you 'out there' who may be concerned about me, have no fear for me. I seem to be doing 'OK'
